Cat and Mouse

[Alternate Title: James Madison and the ESPN Effect.  Summary: Hamilton has a meeting with James Madison and Thomas Jefferson but Madison changes the meeting topic last minute, without telling either of them. He ends up angrily lecturing them with a very poorly put together powerpoint presentation (yes I include some of the slides) Being a 5 inches tall makes life hard, but being 5 inches tall, secretary of the US treasury, and raising 4 kids? Hamilton has his hands full. Warnings for some strong language]

The clink of dishes, what a satisfactory sound that was, James thought, especially when it was the last dirty dish of the day, a white ceramic plate, being set in the cupboard. The sound meant the day was finally winding down, and his brain could rest. And it needed rest, with a meeting tomorrow with secretaries Hamilton and Jefferson. But he had prepared for the meeting already, he was mostly there to make sure Jefferson didn't accidentally hurt Hamilton, as he was just a representative, and not in the cabinet. So he took his mind off of it for now and walked into the living room.

Dolly and Payne were watching some cartoon that Payne had discovered recently, Steven Universe, and while James didn't care for it, he could enjoy watching it with his family. Actually, he had to admit, the show validating the Gems as Steven's parents, that they loved and supported him completely even though he biologically wasn't theirs, was something he definitely wanted Payne and Dolly watching. He knew that Dolly sometimes worried about James' relationship with her son, his son too, he was the kids legal guardian as much as she was. James couldn't have children of his own anyways, and he wouldn't trade Payne for the ability to do so.

It was a short show, and when it ended they both tucked Payne into bed before returning to the living room. Dolly took the remote and turned on the news. Familiar voices came out of the speakers, not just the various show hosts but if his colleagues. And especially Hamilton and Jefferson. Every day each man had something more to say about the other, be it personal or political, that for whatever reason, had to be said to the media. Then each channel that covered their latest statements would spin them in whichever way favored the party affiliations of the network.

Madison didn't think spinning helped either Jefferson and his party nor Hamilton's. The people that fell for it were people already fervently imbedded in their party beliefs. Why not just report the statements and not deal with the hassle of framing? Or for that matter, report on actual political issues and events, not just Hamilton and Jefferson yelling about each other? Madison knew why.

"Did Mr Hamilton really say that?" Dolly asked him, after the clip, of him saying it, had been shown.

"I think the nation is just waiting for the day he finally slips and swears," it was only a matter of time, for all Hamilton was a wizard with words, someday his mouth will run faster than his mind while on camera.

"Didn't he already?" said Dolly "I seem to recall a big hullabaloo about Hamilton at that press conference dinner?"

Ah yes, that was at the White House Correspondent's Dinner nearly a year ago. Who on earth anyone thought it was a good idea to invite both Jefferson and Hamilton to a dinner with mostly reporters? James had been invited too but was sick and missed the excitement. But Hamilton insinuating that he was taller than Jefferson's dick had stayed on the news for a month.

"No, he did that without using any synonym for dick, don't look it up, I don't wish to remember how. I wasn't even there." headline news for a month, and it was still fresh in the minds of all Americans.

Something on the TV caught his eye, the voices were still Hamilton and Jefferson, but what he saw was a cartoon. It was clearly meant to look like an old style Tom and Jerry clip, but with Jefferson as the cat and Hamilton as the mouse. Both James and Dolly sat transfixed by the actions of the anthropomorphized politicians.

In true Tom and Jerry fashion, the mouse Hamilton cleverly escaped cat Jefferson. Then the clip started again, but this time it was slightly different. Even before it happened reach James realized how it would end. But he couldn't look away, he heard Dolly gasp and blanch, he felt like he might throw up. Freedom of speech be damned what he had just witnessed made him want to rip his eyes out and use a spoon to scoop out the part of his brain that held the memory.

"I'm going to my office," James said, standing up.

"Wait, now?" She was shocked.

"I mean the one down the hall, but I don't know if I'll be getting much sleep tonight."

---

After the humiliation he suffered last time, Alexander Hamilton was determined not to be late to his meeting. None of the kids would have any unfinished homework, he had insisted on an extra long homework hour that night to make sure no one snatched him up last minute in the morning. Angie had complained and Philip had looked a bit guilty when he explained that "he couldn't risk being late again".

Oh he felt bad about that, he wanted didn't want Philip to think he was still mad at him, so with the extra homework time in place Alexander decided that Philip could skip practicing piano that night and instead, if they finished all their work before 9, watch an episode of Steven Universe. It was the only show that could keep all four kids engaged, despite the age range.

Philip brightened up immediately but looked to his mother “Can we ma? Please?” He tried to make a pleading face.

Eliza looked at her son and her husband standing next to his hand, making the same face. She signed. “Fine, but only one, Alex needs to go to bed at a reasonable time, in fact it might be best if we put him and James to bed before hand.”

“No!!” came a whine from the living room, where Alex, who was 4 and still in pre-school, was playing with oversized blocks, James was there too, but either hadn’t heard or hadn't understood what was being said. “I’m not sleepy!” Alex protested.

With the prospect of extra TV time, both Philip and Angie finished their homework in record time. They also had to brush their teeth and get into their pajamas. James had fallen asleep on his own by then and Eliza put him to bed while Alexander supervised the rest of the children as they helped Alex clean up the blocks before Eliza returned. She picked up the 4 year old and sat him on her lap. Angie and Philip were already on the couch, with space for her in between them.

“I want dad to sit with me!” said Philip, who had made sure to take the spot next to the armrest Alexander was standing on.

“No fair!” said Angie, but Alexander had hopped down into his son’s lap, where he had set his hands as a seat for him. Philip grinned as his dad sat down, it tickled a bit; he loved being able to hold his dad and know he was trusted to do so. Then stuck his tongue out at his sister. “MoooOOOm! Philip’s being mean!”

“Keep teasing your sister and I will sit with neither of you and we won’t watch any TV tonight,” said Alexander.

With that threat hanging over their heads, and the growing tone of annoyance and disappointment from their father, the two stopped bickering. Alexander was grateful the show was only ten minutes long, and soon it was over and he and Eliza were kissing the kids goodnight. However both he and Eliza had their own work to do before they could get some rest.

Morning came and Eliza gathered up all the kids and took them to the various schools, stopping off at the Burr’s house to pick up Theodosia and drop off her husband.

Hamilton and Burr had started carpooling to work recently, since it seemed silly not to, it saved them money and gas. It did however, mean 20 to 30 min in a car together, so far there had been no incidents, though Burr had threatened to leave him in the car once.

“I hear you have an important meeting today,” said Burr, trying to make conversation without looking down at Hamilton who sat in in a special seat, not unlike a booster seat for an infant, that had been strapped to the passenger side. A genius invention, Burr had to admit, even if it looked a bit foolish.

“Did Madison or Jefferson tell you that?”

Damn the man, thought Burr, he was not trying to get into an argument this early in the morning.

“These meetings aren’t secret, Alexander,” he said, “but it was Madison, he called me this morning requesting I sit in on this one.”

“So it will be three against one now? Hardly seems fair. I’d expect this from Jefferson but Madison, he doesn’t play dirty, he doesn’t need to,” said Hamilton.

“I asked him about that, but he said I wouldn’t be there for support, and I don’t think he was insulting my abilities. He refused to tell me what was going on, so I thought you might know.”

“Well I am as much in the dark about this as you are. I wonder about Jefferson, I suppose Madison must have told him something.”

--- 

“I haven’t heard from James since yesterday afternoon, we had already worked out our plans for today, if he has made any alterations without my knowing! But he wouldn’t,” Jefferson looked horrified at the possibility that Madison might have betrayed him.

“Where is Mr. Madison?” asked Burr, who had decided to come to the meeting.

They were all in the small conference room, seated at the table, or in Hamilton’s case, on the table.

“He is late, I can’t believe it,” said Jefferson looking at his rolex.

Burr looked at Hamilton, he was fidgeting, and pacing around the table, around the spot he had set up his laptop, where Burr had set up his laptop, since it was too large for him to carry. Before he started carpooling, Eliza would escort him to wherever he needed to be that day and help him set up his work station, unless it was his office, where he had a desktop. Now that job was Burr’s.

The door then opened and Madison, eyes red with huge bags under them and his suit a bit disheveled, came in.

“You’re late- “ Hamilton started to say but Madison didn’t even look at him. Instead he walked passed the table to the back of the room to where a computer sat atop a black stand made up of electronic equipment. He was fumbling around, it took him ten minutes, and multiple expletives aimed at technology itself before the room’s projector system turned on.

“James, is everything alright? You look awful, maybe you should go home” Jefferson had gone over to his friend.

“Nope, stop talking, nobody else talk.”

Burr and Jefferson looked at Hamilton but he stayed silent. There was authority in Madison’s voice, which only surfaced in what Madison considered dire situations. The tone was incredibly intimidating, added to it this time was frustration, but for whom or what? No, he wasn't going to poke that bear.

Finally Madison gave a grunt of triumph, and the display on the screen turned from a default to a powerpoint presentation, though not a very well put together one, by the look of the first slide.

 

"Change of plans for today, instead of us arguing for hours, I'm going to talk to you about the ESPN effect ® " Madison’s tone had changed, he sounded like a college professor, if still exhausted. He had taken position next to the screen.

Burr, who had been wondering if he should leave, was now paying close attention.

"You put a registered trademark on that? Why?" asked Hamilton, feeling it was safe to talk now.

"Because it's my own damn political science theory.”

"You're writing a book on this aren't you,"

"As matter a fact, yes, and you two are featured as prime examples for every chapter. Congrats on that." Madison’s voice was rising, signaling to Hamilton that he had better quiet down again.

“What is the ESPN Effect?” he continued, as if Hamilton had not spoken, “in short, it’s the phenomenon of politics being treated like sports.”

“A fucking genius idea, I want to shake the hand of the network employee who thought it up, and then punch him in the face. Of course, it probably wasn't one man who came up with it, in fact, it was more of a slow transition, because we actively participated, if not started our progression down this road,”

The first slide still shown behind Madison, he was pausing for breath.

“We’ve always used the media, the papers, the talk shows, and now the internet, to try and make ourselves look good and our opponents look bad. But now it uses us, and we were so comfortable with that we let it and haven't noticed. Except I noticed,” he clicked the remote in his hand. The slide changed, worse than the previous one.

 

“They feed off of us like political vampires. I mean that literally, they take the politics out of politics! We don’t debate and argue anymore, we fight. And not only with our words, though that’s what it seems like we do. The media offers itself up as a weapon, promising us that if you are the loudest, most visually appealing, and most widely broadcast voice, you will win. Well, in reality no one wins, not the federalists, not the democratic republicans, and certainly not the american people, except those who work for the networks. As viewership climbs, so do their salaries.”

“I want you too look at these pictures” he clicked to the next horrifyingly formated slide.

 

“The shows that talk politics have started to look like the shows that talk sports! It’s all part of making the experience to politics be the same as watching a football game, when that is the last thing it should be like!”
*click*

 

“ ‘THE SITUATION ROOM’” sighed Madison deeply, “That’s a political talk show, I’m sure you’ve heard. The only difference between sport commentary and political commentary, is the political talk show hosts now have the authority to decide, for the american people and for us, who “won” when a debate happens or a law is passed. In sports that’s decided by the team, the most points wins.”

“the media would like the american people, include us, to believe that we have a point system as well. Be it seats in the Houses, as approval polls numbers (which I have a lot to say about but this is not the time, who gets laws passed, or more often, who stops laws from being passed. But it’s not the same for us, what’s at stake isn’t a trophy, it’s the function of our fucking government and country! That is the power of the ESPN Effect”

Madison took deep breaths as the other three men held theirs.

“You two,”

Burr took a bit of pride from the fact that he wasn’t included in this, just witness to it.

“If we could barely compromise before, well, now we don’t have a choice, compromising would be the same as losing in the eyes of the media. We used to actually talk during our meetings but these last few have been competitions to see who is most stubborn. You two are so entrenched in the media’s pocket as prize fighters that the American people believe that you two want to eat each other alive!!”

“Wait, what?” said Jefferson, if it was that bad, surely one of his media consultants would have alerted him.

"Why do you think that?" asked Hamilton

"I don't think it! I found out last night when I saw this,"

And he clicked to the next slide which auto played a cartoon. Madison didn’t look at the screen, but watched three pairs of eyes widened with horror as they saw cat Jefferson dramatically and with great pleasure, swallow a mouse Hamilton whole.

Madison turned on the lights and powered off the projector. The screen retreating back into the ceiling was the only noise in the room.

“That video, my friends, aired last night and has gone internationally viral,” Madison said smugly, “It’s amazing neither of you knew about it. They used your voices!

Still addressing only Hamilton and Jefferson, Burr noted, who was suspecting he was here to assess madison’s presentation and theory since he wasn't being targeted by it.

"I would know if I provided my voice for such a thing!" said Jefferson with difficulty. He looked a little green as he eyed the trash can in the corner of the room.

"They must have used sound bites, they aren't lacking for those," supplied Burr. No one responded beyond nodding realization.

"Don't you have one of the most popular Instagrams in the country?" asked Jefferson, still doing his best to not throw up.

It was a rhetorical question, he did maintain an active Instagram because apparently people LOVED to see photos of him just going about his normal life. They thought he was cute and fascinating and, ugh. He could take a picture of himself sitting next to a salt shaker and it would be instantly popular, he had done that. Jefferson had an Instagram too, but it wasn't popular at all compared to Hamilton's.

“Well, I don’t frequent social media sites as often as I used too,” said Hamilton, “you try it, with four kids, I would have seen it eventually."

“A reasonable excuse, still, the fact remains that this video is representing you to the public now, it wouldn't have been made but you let the media make you into characters instead of politicians,”

“My consultants,” said Jefferson,

“Are too scared of being fired to speak up about this kind of shit to you. Our time is up, but I hope we can start to make a difference in our fucked up images, if not our ability to work together,” then to Burr, “thank you for coming Mr. Burr, I hope I didn’t waste your time today,”

“Not at all Mr. Madison,”

Madison then left the room, followed by Jefferson at his heels.

“I think, I think I would like to be taken to my office, if you wouldn't mind, Aaron.” said Hamilton, still shaken at what he had seen. "And if you don't mind, don't show your daughter the video, she's bound to see it eventually but, don't show her,"

"yeah, sure thing," Burr said, not in inquiring as to why Hamilton had thought about Theo.

Picking up Hamilton Burr felt the man shaking. It was, though Burr tried not to think about it, like holding a mouse. Between Jefferson and Hamilton, Hamilton had to be the more traumatized. The small man had just seen himself get eaten alive on a screen. Not that Jefferson would do that, Jefferson wouldn't dare physically harm the man, but Hamilton was still vulnerable to real animals, or the ire of those who would dare. If that had been me, Burr thought, I wouldn't sleep for a month.

"Or maybe, we should go home early? There isn't anything I can do here that I can't get done at home."

"I wish I could say the same," said Hamilton.

When they finally did leave, they spent the ride back in silence. They arrived at Hamilton's house and Eliza answered the door, she looked a bit drained.

"Philip asked if Theo could stay for a play date. I don't know how they convinced me to say yes."

"You know, I think it is my turn to host them," said Burr, who transferred both Hamilton and his belongings to Eliza. The look of relief on her face was all the affirmation Burr needed.

She called the two children to come to the door and watched as Burr left with them. The Eliza took her husband inside and sat in a chair at the kitchen table, holding him up to her face. He looked to be in a mood. but he took a deep breath and asked "so, rough day?

"You look like one to talk! You're limp in my hands, what happened?"

"I think it best I show you," he said.

Truth be told he didn't want tell her because he was in earshot of children, he could hear them in another room.

"Not in the computer room, our room," there he could be as loud and vulgar as he liked.

He didn't have worried about himself, his voice wouldn't carry downstairs. But Eliza's... After the video finished she was silent for a minute, just a minute. Her voiced reaction must've been heard by the entire block.